


i need you (do you need me?)

by discoveries



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Fix-It, Getting Back Together, M/M, NYC Pride, Post-Break Up, warning: arrest of a poc character (not racially-driven)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 23:31:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15351159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discoveries/pseuds/discoveries
Summary: “I am your ex, you are a cop, and I just got arrested for being drunk and disorderly."





	i need you (do you need me?)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this FOREVER and I wanted to finally finish this and release it during Pride Month, but unfortunately life got in the way and it's a little late. Even so, I hope you enjoy this cute (I hope!) little getting-back-together one-shot! I love Cop!Alec, I'm not even sorry.
> 
> Based on the prompt: "I am your ex, you are a cop, and I just got arrested for being drunk and disorderly" that I saw floating around on tumblr forever ago!! Sorry I can't remember the OP to credit!
> 
> Disclaimer: I know nothing about police work/procedures or public intoxication/misconduct laws; this is just for fun. It's a fanfic dude, just go with it ;)
> 
> WARNING: This fic involves Magnus getting arrested as the main plot device. Alec is NOT the arresting officer. While the arrest is supposed to be justified, the arrest scene is not shown explicitly and is only shown in Magnus' POV via recollection so the circumstances may not be as clear-cut as people require. If the depiction of a poc character getting arrested (and later interacting with a white police officer on release) is something that triggers you, you might want to refrain from reading this fic. Please see the end notes for more details (potential spoilers, but not really?) or message me on [tumblr](http://disc0veries.tumblr.com/) for more details. This fic is in no way intended to harm, but please be kind to yourself if you think the content might be upsetting to you.
> 
> Love you all!!

 

 

_**“Alright, that’s it. I gave you one last chance to apologize - I’m arresting you for being drunk and disorderly. You have the right to remain silent…”** _

  


Things really aren’t going Magnus Bane’s way.

 

They haven’t been going his way for a little while now, if he’s being totally honest with himself. And there’s not much else to do but think when you’re stuck in an overnight jail cell; left alone with just your thoughts for company, introspection is inevitable. Thus here he is, mentally confronting his issues like he’s his very own Dr. Phil. And his current revelation: for someone who loves adventure and new experiences as much as he does, Magnus doesn’t take well to fundamental changes in his life. The relatively recent breakup had been a big change, and he’d thought he was beginning to get a grip - clearly not, if he’s sitting here.

 

Magnus sticks out like a sore thumb on any given day, but it’s Pride weekend and thus he’d made the effort to look particularly ostentatious - which is wonderful when you’re in the throes of the year’s biggest party around accepting members of your community, and a little less so when you’re stuck in a holding cell with a bunch of scary-looking guys who don’t seem to appreciate your fashion choices. Even he knows when to reel himself in, so he just stays where he is and keeps to himself, perched at the end of the bench as far from the others as possible and apparently deciding now is the time to stage his own personal intervention.

 

It helps that he’s sobered up by now. Mostly.

 

It can’t really be said that it’s out of character for Magnus and his friends to get a little carried away on holidays, birthdays, or vacations. Usually though, they manage to rein each other in just enough to get away with things, or at least escape the scene of the crime before they get arrested. It’s always been more drunken shenanigans than _crimes_ , anyhow. But tonight - well.

 

Catarina had been called to cover a shift at the hospital before they could even begin day drinking, and he lost Ragnor and Raphael between one bar and the next after night had fallen. He’d joined a very charming group of young men dressed as sailors and continued the party without his friends, but apparently he was old enough that keeping up with the drinking habits of 22 year-olds put him in quite a state. Admittedly, it had been a while since he’d been _that_ intoxicated - he hasn’t given an impromptu street performance in years (and curiously, never actually alone). It had only taken the minimum amount of cheering from his new friends and the surrounding people in the street for him to climb up onto a dumpster and continue his Madonna medley from the raised platform.

 

Really, it was only a little bit of harmless fun, celebrating an icon of their culture on _their_ weekend until a couple of nearby cops came to investigate the raucous crowd. Now perhaps if Magnus had been a little less drunk, or had had an easier few months, he might’ve conceded that dancing on top of a dumpster whilst severely inebriated was a little dangerous. But seeing the _NYPD uniform_ of all things and hearing their reproach in that moment had been the last straw, resulting in a fairly heated confrontation between them that ultimately ended up with him being ordered down from the dumpster, arrested for being drunk and disorderly and brought back here to ‘sober up’.

 

Quite frankly he’s very surprised he’s the only Pride-goer that’s been arrested and thrown in the drunk tank. He would have expected at least 30% more rainbows. He chooses to take the lack of them as a win for the LGBTQ community, but more of a loss for him and his noticeable lack of potential allies should a brawl erupt between the guy with three teeth and the biker that have been sizing each other up.

 

Now that he’s been stewing in here for a few hours, his mind has cleared enough that he can acknowledge that he’d gone a little off the rails. Or a lot. Making a spectacle of himself while drunk was one thing, but arguing with a couple of cops who had been nothing but polite (and initially amused) was admittedly going a little far. He’s got a few issues to work through, he knows.

 

From where he’s sitting he can see the custody sargent’s desk, and when he looks he’s not entirely surprised to see the officer looking back at him - he is definitely the odd one out amongst his current petty criminal comrades. He is however filled with dread at the fact he knows exactly who she is and there’s no way she hasn’t recognized him. “Hi Aline,” he greets cordially, because apparently he’d been too drunk and then too busy moping and _then_ too busy with his introspection to notice she’d taken over at some point.

 

That’s another awful detail to this whole wretched night - why oh _why_ did he have to be brought here, to _this_ precinct? It’s the one thing that could possibly make losing his friends, getting shitfaced, publicly embarrassing himself and _then_ arrested that much worse.

 

She offers a tentative smile, clearly recognizing the awkwardness of the situation, tipping her coffee cup his way in acknowledgement. Her nails are painted in rainbow colors, which is definitely not regulation, and he smiles at the sight. “Hi, Magnus,” she says. “Looks like you’ve had a rough night.”

 

At least it’s likely morning by now. If they’re changing shifts then that means those of them with misdemeanor charges should be released with a fine soon enough. (Okay, so maybe he hasn’t _always_ escaped the clutches of the law in his misspent youth). Magnus lets his head fall back against the wall, his eyes tipping back for a moment so he can soak in his existential dread for a second. “...Any chance the news hasn’t gotten out?” It’s a question laden with defeat because damn it if he doesn’t already know the answer. He’s sober enough to feel the dread churn heavy like concrete in his gut. Maybe he can get away before--

 

It’s clear she knows exactly what he means by the question, and she opens her mouth to say something when there’s the sound of a door opening somewhere down the hallway. Magnus can’t see from here, but what he _can_ see is Aline’s grimace as she looks in that direction, and he thinks _well shit, here we go_.

 

The sound of heavy footfalls - no doubt department-issued boots against the scuffed linoleum floor - sound like an alarm, and then a tall figure is blocking the light from the other side of the cell bars.

 

“ _Seriously,_ Magnus?”

 

Magnus’ chest constricts painfully, his heart clenched and twisted in a cruel vice before it plummets into the acidic pit of his stomach. It’s no big deal, though. This is only the second time this person has destroyed his heart in the past four months. That is, if you count said past four months and all the painful, lonely moments within as one awful, continuous event. Magnus would. He steels himself, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“Oh thank god. I was beginning to wonder if I might escape this rotten place with at least a shred of dignity intact,” Magnus drawls, letting his dark gaze fall onto Officer Alec Lightwood, wondering why the hell he took the seat nearest to the bars now that they’re so close. “I can finally relax now I know that definitely isn’t going to be the case.”

 

Alec’s frown looks angry, annoyed, worried and disappointed all at the same time - his face has always been expressive, giving way to every single emotion. Magnus for his part just feels shame, through and through. He supposes that’s the only possible response for someone who comes face to face with their cop ex-boyfriend whilst sitting in a holding cell after getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

 

He’s certainly had better days.

 

Alec lets out a harassed sigh, tipping his hat back on his head and settling down into a crouch, presumably in an attempt to keep their conversation at least a little private. Their clear familiarity with each other is drawing attention from Magnus’ cellmates.

 

“Jace told me he saw you getting booked in for being drunk and disorderly, and that you were arguing with the officers? What the Hell?”

 

Okay, so maybe his attitude towards the cops had been less about them ruining his fun and more about his unresolved issues regarding his recent break-up with his cop boy-- cop _ex-_ boyfriend. Magnus just sits up straight, squaring his shoulders and lifting his chin just slightly.

 

“Hello to you too, Alexander. How have you been? I must admit I’ve been better-” a sweeping gesture to his current surroundings, just to prove his point “- but you seem… well.” If not extraordinarily pissed off.

 

Alec rolls his eyes and it’s anything but fond - being on the receiving end of the scathing version of the gesture is entirely foreign to Magnus. Alec straightens into a stand again, back to his towering height and gestures to Aline. “It’s morning, those of you with minor misdemeanors will be dealt with shortly. You,” he said with the barest of glances towards Magnus, “we’ll go get your stuff, have your fine issued, and then I’m taking you home. I’m at the end of my shift now anyhow, more or less.” There’s no room for discussion and Magnus knows that when Alec takes this tone with someone, the only option is to go along with whatever he wants. He stands, feeling only the slightest bit self-conscious of his sheer, half-buttoned shirt, leather pants and glitter Balmain boots under the harsh fluorescent lighting. After spending most of the day and night in a street party dancing and drinking, he probably looks a lot worse than he did when he stepped out of his apartment the previous afternoon.

 

He follows Alec, only speaking when required by the officers processing his paperwork and release, aware that the other is probably bending some rules doing this and yet wishing he wouldn’t. Honestly, Magnus would rather wait with all the hobos and mean-looking drunks than be around his ex-boyfriend and all the ugly feelings that brings. He at least feels a lot better once his oversized clutch bag is returned to him.

 

Alec leads their solemn procession out of the precinct and to his patrol car, staunchly refusing to let Magnus make his own way home, as if he doesn’t trust him not to get arrested again. At least Alec’s usual partner is nowhere to be seen - It’s a small mercy, but he’s only grateful until:

 

“No, it’s a breach of policy to have you in the front seat,” Alec says over the top of the car when Magnus reaches for the door handle. “I’m technically still on shift. You’ll have to get in the back.”

 

“Seriously?” Magnus finds himself asking, wondering if Alec isn’t just punishing him further for being a total embarrassment to them both - more than a couple of Alec’s co-workers had recognized Magnus on his walk of shame, after all. But then again, no. Alexander is so completely by the book that doing this isn’t at all out of character. Even if, ironically, giving Magnus a ride home in a patrol car is a breach of policy in itself. So maybe more chivalrous than rule-abiding, then. “Oh, bloody-- fine then.” There’s just no arguing with Alec once he’s decided on something after all. Magnus would know.

 

He climbs into the back with a shame that’s becoming very familiar to him now, closing the door behind him. As Alec does the same in the driver’s seat, Magnus takes a moment to close his eyes and take a steadying breath. He should be glad for the ride home - it’ll put an end to this awful, awful experience much quicker. Of course, he had objected and argued he’d just catch the subway back (it was more tedious but had the added benefit of _not_ including Alec) but the officer had shut that down quick enough. Magnus wishes - not for the first time that night - that he had cast his pride aside and called Catarina or Ragnor to bail him out before any of this could have ever happened.

 

Alec seems to be taking a moment himself too, tossing his hat onto the front passenger seat before pressing his hands to his face and sighing. Magnus knows being here is entirely his own fault, and he does feel sorry at the fact he’s _still_ causing Alec all these problems. He looks down at the bag in his lap, running his hand over the faux-croc leather, his immaculate black manicure matching the material perfectly.

 

“Put your seatbelt on,” Alec mutters, fastening himself in and waiting for Magnus to do the same before he pulls out of the parking lot.

 

Besides that quiet order, the first few minutes are spent in a heavy, tense silence. Unable to handle the atmosphere without distraction, Magnus opens his bag back up. He’d checked the contents at the desk, confirming (thank _god_ ) the presence of his phone, glasses and wallet, but also - to his horror - a number of crumpled and stained napkins of varying colors and origin bearing the contact details of a myriad of people he must have encountered the night before. The officer manning the desk had raised an impressed eyebrow when he’d spotted the digits written neatly on one and figured out what the apparent mound of trash actually was. Magnus hadn’t dared look at Alec but he was more than accustomed enough to the other to tell he’d frozen at the sight, before eventually prompting Magnus to hurry up so they he could leave. At least his rainbow lei and plastic bead necklaces were kept and put in his bag when he’d been forced to relinquish them after his arrest for ‘safety reasons’.

 

He pushes all of that crap out of the way now so he can pull out his battery-dead phone, using the black screen as a makeshift mirror to finally check his appearance.

 

It’s a bad idea. He looks like shit.

 

His eyeliner is smudged to hell, his hair is a birds’ nest and the glitter on his cheekbones that had looked so cute yesterday looks awful in the cold light of a New York morning. For someone who takes as much pride in their appearance as Magnus does it’s a shameful sight to see, but he supposes Alec has seen him looking just as bad if not _worse_ over the course of their relationship. And anyway, why not match his outer appearance to the mess he is as a person? With a surreptitious wipe at the smudged black under each of his eyes, he drops the phone back into his bag.

 

His eyes catch Alec’s in the rearview mirror.

 

Alec coughs, looking away and pretending to check his side mirror as they pull up to a red light. Magnus hugs his bag close to his chest, looking out of the window for a distraction even though he knows Alec won’t be able to stand the silence much longer.

 

“What the hell were you thinking?”

 

Magnus allows a sardonic curl of his lips at the fact he was right.

 

“You should really know better, Magnus.”

 

Wow, Alec really is going for his dignity, isn’t he? Magnus is well aware that he’s too old to be getting arrested for being drunk and practically hostile to law enforcement - he’s still on the right side of thirty (thank god) but not for that much longer. Though of course Alexander could also be alluding to the fact that Magnus used to be in a relationship with a cop (which thank you, he doesn’t think either of them really need the reminder). In either case, yes, Magnus absolutely should know better. He feels completely chastised already, shrinking into the backseat of Alec’s cop car as he’s driven home. It’s an utterly mortifying experience.

 

“I was _drunk_ Alexander. I wasn’t really in charge of all my faculties.”

 

Alec’s tut seems to cut through the heavy air in the car and strike right at Magnus’ chest.

 

“Yeah, as if that’s a good enough excuse. You know how crazy the city is during Pride, anything could have happened to you. Especially alone - clearly you weren’t with the others, otherwise you wouldn’t have ended up _getting arrested._ ”

 

Worry, then. There’s still plenty of anger there, but clearly Alec’s primary concern right now is what could have happened. Delayed fear swoops into Magnus’ gut as he allows a second to dwell on that as well, because he _does_ know the dangers, but he quickly shuts down that dark avenue of thought and focuses on another aspect of his situation. He should feel glad that Alec still cares, but clearly he doesn’t care _enough_. If he did they would probably still be together. He feels the spite bloom in his chest.

 

“Oh, I wasn’t alone. I was with a group of very good-looking young men,” he’s hasty to fire back, and what little of Alec’s expression he can see in the rear view mirror hardens. The intention had been to repay a little of the hurt he feels and has been feeling, but he regrets it the second he sees Alec’s face.

 

“Yeah, clearly you were _very_ busy ‘socializing’ last night,” is Alec’s mumbled response, and as soon as it’s out there they both freeze.

 

Rage locks Magnus’ joints, and he stares at the back of the empty seat in front of him. Yeah, he’d been petty, but that was just _unfair_ . Alec is probably still the person who knows him best - he should know that Magnus has barely even been able to _look_ at anyone else since. “Pull over.” It’s said with enough urgency that it seems to yank Alec out of his own stupor, and then the cop is turning around to look at him, “what?”

 

“Pull over,” Magnus says, louder this time and enunciating each word with clear, cutting diction. “Right now. I’m getting out.” He can’t do this. He can’t be in a confined space with Alec when he’s still feeling so raw - he can’t hear Alec say that sort of stuff to him. Not now, maybe not ever.

 

Alec does as he’s bid simply because of Magnus’ tone, finding a space a little further down the street to pull up to the curb.

 

“Magnus--” Magnus doesn’t wait to hear it. He undoes his seatbelt with a loud click, practically throwing it off himself, sending it hissing back into its feed and making a grab for the inner door handle.

 

Of course absolutely nothing budges no matter how hard he yanks - he’s in the back of a damn _cop car_. It won’t open from the inside.

 

The reality of his situation rains down him in that moment and Magnus swears, tugging the handle harshly and slamming the door with his other hand. The attempted destruction of police property slash having a tantrum in the back of a cop car is probably not the thing to do when you’re fresh out of jail, but everything’s getting a little on top of Magnus and he’s just so bothered by _everything_ that’s happening to him lately. It’s all just so unfair. He needs to get out. Away from Alec.

 

“Magnus will you just-- hey, _quit it!_ It’s locked, it’s not gonna budge,” Alec says. “Mag-- god _dammit_ , will you just _stop_ ?” Alec unclips himself too, so that he can twist in his seat, but before he can do anything, Magnus catches sight of his movement and freezes. He doesn’t want Alec to come anywhere near him nor touch him. He doesn’t want to _be here_ at all.

 

“Really, Alexander?” he asks, hurt and anger coloring his tone. He might not want Alec close but he just can’t let the jab go. “We’re going to take shots like that, now?”

 

At least with Alec turned to face him like this, Magnus can witness the other man’s expression melt into remorse.

 

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just--” He sighs, sounding like he’s irritated as he turns back around and slouches in his seat. Magnus thinks maybe it’s easier for them both if they aren’t looking at each other. “I heard you got arrested and I freaked out,” he admits, wrapping long fingers around the steering wheel, gripping it tight. Magnus doesn’t say anything, bringing his glittery boots up onto the seat and curling into the opposite corner of the car to Alec as he waits for the other to continue. “I didn’t know what had happened. I'm still a little keyed up.”

 

Now that he’s had a minor freak out himself, Magnus waits and tries to see this whole thing from Alec’s point of view. He supposes just getting the bare bones of the situation, for Alec, any number of things could have happened to him. As unlikely as it is, he _could_ have gotten into serious trouble, or maybe someone he knew had gotten hurt - it is very like Magnus to come swooping in to someone’s defence or aid with little regard for his own safety. New York isn’t the safest city, and on a weekend like this he knows all too well that some people like to seek out trouble.

 

“I just got a little carried away is all,” Magnus says eventually, resting his chin on his knees. He’s not going to apologise - he doesn’t owe Alec one. They don’t owe each other anything anymore. “I was drunk and belligerent. It’s not even the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done, nor the first time I’ve been arrested.”

 

Alec knows all this, too. Nods to confirm it.

 

“Quite embarrassing to have my cop ex-boyfriend witness the aftermath, though,” he admits quietly, turning so his cheek is against his knees instead, so that he can look out of the window and _not_ look at Alec.

 

“Yeah well, I’ve seen worse. I took care of you that time you were struck with food poisoning, remember?”

 

Magnus does remember. Really, he should have foreseen that his adventurous hobby of sampling numerous hole-in-the-wall restaurants would eventually end in disaster. The illness had been a spectacle (not the good kind), but the worst of it had luckily coincided with a weekend Alec had booked off work, meaning he was well looked after for the majority of it. Those were the days before Alec was taken under the wing of a superior officer and encouraged to put his work before all else in order to progress up the ranks. Including, apparently, Magnus and their relationship. Magnus would like to be able to say he isn’t bitter but, well - clearly he is.

 

Alec re-fastens his seatbelt in lieu of saying anything else and Magnus takes his cue, bringing his legs down from the seat so he can do the same. Once the other has checked to make sure he’s buckled up (because safety comes first with Alec) they pull out into the street, back en route to Magnus’ loft in Brooklyn.

 

Silence descends over them again, but now the thought of _Them_ has entered Magnus’ head he just can’t seem to get rid of it. He’s still hurt by everything that happened, and they’d never truly hashed things out. It had been too raw for the both of them at the time, and then after a while it felt too late. What was the point of discussing something that was clearly so beyond repair?

 

“How’s that promotion going, anyway?” he asks softly after a few minutes of heavy silence, still refusing to look at Alec and hoping he misses bitter and lands on conversational. Knows he doesn’t quite succeed.

 

“...Yeah, as of next month I’ll be a detective.” Well at least Alec’s getting what he’s always wanted, then. At least their break up is working out for _him_.

 

“That’s amazing, Alexander. I’m really happy for you.” And he genuinely is - he’s not such a spiteful person to want Alec to fail just because _they_ did, and - well, he still cares for him. Loves him, even. He’s always wanted to see Alec succeed - he just never wanted to lose what they had either. Still, it’s not like Alec had chosen his job over Magnus and broken up with him because of it. Real life relationships are a lot more complicated than that, and they take effort. It just hadn’t worked out.

 

By the end, they rarely got the opportunity to be together for any significant amount of time with all the extra shifts Alec was picking up, and when they did he was tired and Magnus was irritable because of how little time they had before their other commitments picked back up and they went back to missing each other. Both of them were quickly becoming miserable and neither could take it anymore. The fighting was an inevitable result of the tension. The break up was an inevitable result of the fighting.

 

It had been a mutual breakup, with mutual heartbreak.

 

Magnus still doesn’t know how he had been able to stand the pain of it. Even now it feels like he’s barely managing. He wonders if Alec has had it as hard.

 

There’s so much they still have to say about it all, and now is the perfect opportunity, but Magnus still feels flayed open. Alexander has never been the most verbal about his emotions, which makes it all the more difficult.

 

“I won’t be using any of those numbers,” he says after another long, stretched-out pause when they hit the beginning of the early morning traffic, thinking about the crumpled napkins he’d apparently been shoving in his bag all night. It’s an olive branch, a response to Alec’s jealousy and a secret admission of his own - he hadn’t gone out for the sole purpose seeking that sort of attention. Alec’s seat creaks as he adjusts his position, and Magnus turns his head to see Alec slumping in his chair, losing some of the tension he’d been carrying previously. Magnus swallows, crossing one leg over the other and wondering if he should continue. He knows he has to, even if only for his own sake. “I haven’t been with anyone else since we-- I’m not ready.” But even that isn’t the whole truth, this is: “I don’t want to.”

 

It’s hard. Excruciating, almost. The last thing Magnus had planned for his weekend was getting arrested, coming face to face with his police officer ex and then having their delayed post-breakup commentary as he sits in the back of a squad car. It is, however, completely overdue.

 

The discussing their feelings part; _not_ the getting arrested part.

 

Resting his head against the window and watching the city go by when they start moving again, Magnus smiles sadly. “I guess I’m still in love with you.”

 

Unusually, that’s not their regular pattern. Despite his own tendency to bottle everything up and Magnus’ openly affectionate nature, Alec has always been the first to confront his own fears and doubts and confess his feelings. He’d been the first to say ‘I want to see you again’; ‘I care about you’ and finally: ‘I love you’. Magnus had been happy to wait, to give Alec the time he needed, and was always ready to give an immediate response when the occasion eventually erose. This, though, he needed to say. It couldn’t wait another four months, or left unsaid if they decide to just avoid each other in their hurt after today, like they had the last time.

 

He just needs Alec to know.

 

He can hear it when Alec tightens his grip on the steering wheel again. Magnus’ own heartbeat is hammering in his ears, the tension thickening enough to feel like it’s choking him as he waits for a response - any response. His eyes seek out Alec’s face in the rear view of their own volition, and as the police officer makes a left onto a quieter street, close now to Magnus’ building, he finally gets one.

 

“Me too.”

 

Magnus looks away, back out of his window. He presses his lips together and nods, in acceptance of the admission or perhaps acknowledgement that he’d known it to be true. His vision blurs as his eyes get watery. He clutches at the bag on his lap. He appreciates Alec’s interjection, the reciprocated admission, but he’s not actually done speaking himself: “and I’m sorry,” Magnus forces out, voice breaking some towards the end because he has always felt emotions strongly. Still, somehow he manages to stop himself from actually crying. Alec doesn’t say a word this time - just turns onto Magnus’ street and slows to a stop just down from his building - because he’s always been perceptive about what people need, what _Magnus_ needs. And right now he needs this moment to say his piece, so Alec will give it to him.

 

“I’m sorry for being an idiot and getting drunk and arguing with police officers and getting arrested.” Magnus Bane doesn’t often apologise. Usually if he does something wrong, it’s a simple discretion that his friends don’t need apologies for, because he knows when he’s made a mistake and they know when he’s sorry for it without even hearing the words. So when he does vocalize it, it’s usually for a damn good reason. And now he’s started, he can’t stop.

 

“I’m sorry for embarrassing you at work and I’m sorry that you still feel responsible for me--” Alec goes to interrupt now, but Magnus shakes his head _no_ , raises a hand to stop him. “But most of all I’m sorry for not telling you how unhappy I was back then, so that it festered into some god awful tension between us that made everything a million times _worse._ I was just fixated on being a supportive partner at first, so I didn’t want to say anything, and then it just got twisted - into something _ugly_ , and it’s all my fault--”

 

“ _Magnus_.”

 

It’s firm but with a clear note of pleading - the same mix of strength and fragility Alec has always been, ever since they bumped into each other at a bar and Magnus began his relentless wooing of the gorgeous, surly boy that towered over everyone else around them. It’s enough to halt the debilitating urge to ramble infinite apologies taking root in Magnus, leaving him to duck his head and just _breathe._

 

“There were two people in that relationship,” Alec starts, and when Magnus chances a glance at him, the officer is staring determinedly out of the windscreen. “I saw that it was wearing on you and I did nothing. I thought that I could have both if I just kept going for a little longer.”

 

Magnus fiddles with the golden zipperhead on his bag. “You don’t think you can? Have both, I mean.” It makes Magnus imagine of a flat line on a monitor. He can practically hear a faceless doctor somberly pronouncing a time of death. His chest clenches painfully.

 

The driver’s seat creaks as Alec swivels around to look at Magnus through the grate that separates them. The maddening gold/brown/green blend of his eyes is just as stunning as it was the first time their gazes met. “I think that to have both, I have to pay attention to both.”

 

He’s not sure what that means, so Magnus just presses his lips together.

 

Alec isn’t done. “I let you down, Magnus.”

 

Magnus scoffs, unable to stop the ugly burst of watery, incredulous laughter. “Are you really trying to take all the blame when I was so completely _awful_ to you in the end?” he asks as he presses his fingertips to just below his lower lashline. They come away wet.

 

Long fingers slot through the gaps in the grate as if to try to reach to Magnus, but instead end up curling at the strips of metal wire that create the barrier between them. Above those fingers, Alec’s gaze is direct and earnest and fixed on him. “We both did and said things that hurt the other,” he says diplomatically, and Magnus supposes he can concede to that.

 

“I don’t want to hurt anymore,” Magnus confesses, hesitance obvious as he raises a hand to brush his fingers across the back of Alec’s where they still cling to the grate. “And not being with you is _excruciating.”_

 

He can actually see it when Alec gasps, and he watches him with wonder for a few silent, glorious moments.

 

But then Alec is tearing his hand away, and Magnus can only shrink back in hurt and confusion as the officer flings himself from the car, slamming the door behind him. It’s enough time to tear him apart before he notices Alec’s moving; is rounding the vehicle to Magnus’ side. It’s then that hope and excitement shoots through Magnus’ veins like electricity, and he’s tense with anticipation as Alec reaches for the outer handle, wrenching the door open. Magnus is ready to spring once it's done, jumping out onto the sidewalk and right at Alec.

 

Their bodies collide none-too-gently, the two of them each huffing at the force of the contact before they’re both wrapping their arms around the other, clinging for dear life. For the first time in a long time, despite the unrefined nature of the contact between them, Magnus feels something _settle._ Things feel right again with the warmth of Alec pressed against him, wrapped around him.

 

“I don’t want to give up yet,” he confesses into the shoulder of Alec’s starched uniform shirt, clinging to him so tightly, as if he’s afraid he might melt away. Magnus has always been cautious with his heart, always waiting for Alec to take the scary first step to vocalize even when he _knows_ he’s ready to say things, too. He won’t do that this time. It’s going to be different.

 

Magnus has lost him once before, he won’t let it happen again.

 

Alec - his sweet, intense Alexander - presses his lips to Magnus’ temple firmly. “There’s nothing more important to me than you. I lost sight of that for a while,” he says, large hands spreading over Magnus’ shoulder blades, his fingertips pressing in firmly as if he’s just as desperate as Magnus to not let go.

 

Letting his hands slide down to rest over Alec’s ribs, Magnus pulls back a little to look at him. This might feel like a dream, but it isn’t. It’s real life, and real life is _hard._ There's a doubt lingering over him that he can't ignore. “Do you think we can do it?” After all, they've messed it up once before.

 

Alec’s gaze is steadfast, sure. He’s not the kind to hesitate or worry over might-be’s. If things go wrong, he’s the type to deal with the consequences when they arise. Just seeing that resolve on his face eliminates most of Magnus’ hesitance. Something about Alec just makes everything feel alright. Magnus has missed that recently.

 

Then Alec smiles, wide and beautiful, and Magnus’ stomach _swoops._

 

“As long as you stop getting arrested. _Especially_ at my place of employment," Alec says, dipping his head forward a little.

 

And - yeah. That _was_ rather bad, wasn’t it? Magnus cringes away, covering his eyes to the sound of Alec’s delighted laughter. At least he seems amused by it.

 

“I said I was sorry!” Magnus argues, slapping at Alec’s arm when it’s clear the other it just torturing him. “In my defence, I was broken-hearted.” They both sober a little, so Magnus squeezes Alec’s wrist before he slides his touch down to his palm, tangling their fingers together. “As long as we never break up again, it should probably be fine.”

 

The humor is a balm over the hurt, which works for now - they have a _lot_ to resolve and get over. It's not like this is a total fix-all, but at least they have _hope_ now. And each other.

 

“Never?” Alec asks, and though his tone sounds hard-done-by his eyes sparkle and his lips curl upwards. “That seems like a big job.”

 

Magnus grins. “I think we can handle it, together.”

 

They stand there, staring at each other like lovestruck fools, until Magnus notices a young couple watching them from across the street. Abruptly, he remembers what kind of a state he’s in, and the fact Alec’s still in uniform and on _duty._

 

Dear God, they probably look something from a trashy novel: the cop and the prostitute fall in love.

 

He tells Alec as much, who laughs and takes a few steps back, only letting his hand pull away from Magnus’ when the distance between them is too far for them stay connected. “You always look great to me, but yeah, maybe take a shower. As soon as possible.”

 

Magnus sends him a frown over the top of the car as Alec reaches back to the driver’s side. "And just when I was about to make a remark about how I much I'm going to miss you in uniform. I can't believe I was about to compliment you," he snarks back. Even with the insult (which is more just a realistic observation of the mess he currently is), Magnus can’t stop the way his heart flutters. He and Alec - not as over as he’d thought.

 

Hope and excitement feel almost foreign to him after months of heartbreak, and he’s quickly getting addicted to the feeling.

 

“I’m off tomorrow,” Alec says, standing in the wedge of space between the car and the open door. “Call me later after you’ve slept it off? Maybe we can get dinner somewhere tonight?”

 

The smile that spreads over Magnus’ lips feels _right._   _This_ feels right. “Are you asking me on a date while you’re still on duty, Officer Lightwood?"

 

“You bet,” Alec responds with a grin before he ducks back into the squad car.

 

Magnus catches a glimpse of a wave before Alec’s cruiser pulls away from the curb and drives away, leaving him stood there on the sidewalk.

 

It’s been a hell of a day. Or a night. Or both. He’d lost a lot: his decade-long no-arrest streak for one, not to mention his dignity and a few dollars thanks to that pesky fine he’d received.

 

But he gained a lot. Like a second chance with the love of his life.

 

He spins on his heel and heads towards his building. When he reaches to put his key in the lock, he catches a whiff of the alcohol his shirt had apparently absorbed during the previous night's festivities, and maybe the slightest hint of the homeless guy he’d been sitting closest to in the drunk tank.

 

Yeah. He really needs that shower.

**Author's Note:**

> More detailed warning: Magnus' arrest scene is referred to in the past tense through Magnus' recollection of the events the morning after, and is not covered in great detail. Basically, Magnus gets arrested for being drunk and disorderly when he is approached by police officers for (dangerously and drunkenly) dancing on top of a dumpster amongst a raucous crowd during Pride. He refuses to comply and lashes out at the officers aggressively in his drunken state due to the unresolved nature of his relationship with Alec (who happens to also be an NYPD officer, which is the fuel for Magnus' reaction). The arrest is in no way meant to be homophobic or racially-motivated. Alec is NOT the arresting officer and doesn't find out about Magnus' misdemeanor/his placement in the 'drunk tank' until a colleague tells him he saw him getting booked the next morning. Alec does, however, drive Magnus home in a cruiser (after Magnus' release) while he is still on duty, meaning Magnus must sit in the backseat and therefore is not free to leave if he so chooses (as the back doors of cop cars do not open from the inside). At no point is Alec intended to be perceived to abuse his power as a (white) police officer, however one reader has indicated to have considered this to be the case, and has identified this fic might be potentially problematic to readers, particularly poc.
> 
> i'm also on tumblr! [@ disc0veries](http://disc0veries.tumblr.com/)  
> come talk to me!!


End file.
